When a medical professional tells me I’m probably autistic, I’m not surprised. I’ve suspected it for over a year now. This diagnosis isn’t even the main reason why I’m here. I’m in this office because my sister was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I think I might have it too.
Last week, I got hit by two shitty “trans people are fakers” jokes within two days, from two different people I care about.
First of all, I am so sorry for the reference in the title. I’m hoping it’ll make the topic of this post funnier than it actually is. The point of this post is that I want to record what my mania has been like for the past six months or so, for future reference. I’m starting on a new medication that’s supposed to reduce my mania, and I’m hoping it helps. I’ve had some debilitating bouts of mania in the past six months and sometimes it’s been all I can do to function.
I am returning to blogging (hopefully on a regular basis) after an exhausting semester. Five days a week, I did the following:
- woke up and walked to the bus stop
- sat for hours in classrooms where the lights were too bright and I had to interact with people
- did intellectual work that added to my mental exhaustion from social interaction and an overstimulating environment
- took the bus and walked home again
And then I frequently worked a dinner shift after that.
Content note: This is a post I wrote a couple of weeks ago about cissexism and transphobia, both external and internalized. If you’re a trans person and you’ve had a particularly bad or dysphoric day, you might wanna skip this one.
Today in my literature class, the professor said we were going to deconstruct race and gender in Frankenstein. A sense of dread settled over me as she wrote “Race” and “Woman” on the board and asked a room of mostly white students what race is. After a very intellectual discussion, she asked the class what woman is. The first response was exactly what I was dreading. A student said, “Being biologically and anatomically female.” Continue reading “Monster”
Content note: This post talks frankly about ableism in a way that might induce anxiety in autistic readers.
Recently, I started a new job. I haven’t told anyone there that I’m trans or on the autism spectrum. I don’t like to have those conversations unless I feel safe and know I won’t be treated like an oddity or less of a person. Because I usually don’t talk about these identities of mine in public, I often hear things I don’t care for.
At this new job, I overheard a conversation between two coworkers where they were talking about a customer they didn’t like. One of them said, “Isn’t making eye contact just, like, basic human decency?”
And the other one said, “You’d think so, but…” Continue reading “Why I Suck at Eye Contact”
I recently found a blog post where someone wrote about their identity as “gender agnostic.” I liked it so much that gender agnosticism is becoming part of how I describe my gender identity. It makes for a very apt description of the attitude I’ve been developing towards gender lately. The way I’ve been feeling about gender is similar to the way I feel about God. Weird, right?