It’s not abnormal, in my experience, for bloggers to post inconsistently, especially when they’re blogging for free. I still hate being this inconsistent, though. I’ve just been overwhelmed, to say the least.
I’m doing something that’s very unusual for me here. I’m composing this post in WordPress, not carefully crafting it in Google Drive, waiting at least a few days to review it (more likely a few weeks, because I’m anxious), and then posting something that’s as perfect as possible. I want to be less of a perfectionist and write the way other bloggers do, where they just share their thoughts and connect with other people without reviewing everything they say over and over.
Tonight I just want to write about things that are frustrating me. I could just rant in private and not post about my vulnerabilities, but there’s something about exposing a metaphorical wound that can be healing in a bizarre way. I don’t get it, but I guess I don’t have to for it to work.
Things that are frustrating me, in no particular order:
- I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Part of why I haven’t posted in a while is because I had an awful semester last fall. I was unemployed for a few months and used up a lot of my savings, then I worked a shitty job with openly racist, homophobic, and just downright rude coworkers. They were ableist and sexist too, basically every kind of -ist and -phobic in the book that you can imagine. I felt horrible as a gay, autistic, mentally ill trans person. I was surrounded by toxic masculinity that I had absolutely no hope of blending in with, because I can’t force myself to just go along with the boys and be a horrible misogynist too. This is probably a good thing overall, but not blending in to such an environment is a terrible survival tactic. I lasted two months, quit, then went to my current job.
- My current job also has a lot of bro-y guys, although it’s not nearly as bad as the previous one. I blend in more there, only because it’s hard for me to be personable and flamboyant when I’m working an 8am shift, so most people there don’t see how gay I am. (I don’t know why being gay is often defined by how flamboyant you are, rather than how much you’re attracted to your own gender, but I digress.) I’ve taken testosterone for a few years, so I “pass.” I’m safer this way, so long as no one finds out who I am. I’m so tired of feeling like I can’t let anyone find out about a huge, important part of my history. It’s not their business, but it also feels shitty to be surrounded by cis men and not feel safe being vulnerable or soft.
- I’m working in food service. I don’t want to be working in food service. I want to finish my damn degree and figure out something else to do, but I haven’t figured out what to do with an English degree and a desire to make a difference, whatever that means. I feel really lost.
- I feel lost in regards to dating too. I don’t have the energy to date right now. I want to have somebody, though. I want to cuddle and cook meals and have dumb inside jokes and awesome sex with someone. I’m tired of listening to “Somebody to Love” by Queen over and over because there aren’t that many great songs about being single and frustrated with it. A lot of my close friends are partnered up. I’m so envious of their relationships. Popular music idealizes infatuation, but I idealize the boring crap where people share intimate space and know each other as well as they know themselves. I don’t know what to do with all of this.
- My mom gave me a long-overdue apology through text today for the way she treated me in high school. I don’t know how to continue the conversation and tell her that it’s not enough, that the way she treated one of my sisters recently isn’t okay, that I can’t just move on when she hasn’t stopped doing the things that upset me so much in high school. I want to be a forgiving person. But I’m angry and bitter in so many ways, and I’m afraid that’s going to mess with my chances of being with someone someday. I don’t know how someone could get close enough to see all the rage inside me and still want to be with me.
There’s more stuff than that, but I think I’m going to stop there for now. I don’t know how to end this, honestly. I want to be the kind of person that always finds a way to be positive, but sometimes I can’t be. Sometimes I just want the space to be angry and unsure, and I want to feel like that’s an okay thing to want.
May I get a cleansed feeling after I post this. May I get some sleep tonight, because my mania has been waking me up at ungodly hours of the morning for weeks. May I find some kind of direction. I’m going back to school this fall, so hopefully that’ll help. I just want to feel more okay when I wake up in the morning.